Better without me
by AkatsukiNoZare
Summary: Kageyama loses his memories of Hinata.


One by one, the little bubbles appeared to the surface of the water, popping and disappearing right away. Hinata stared at them blankly, then adding the noodles in the water. He was so hopeless at cooking, but he wanted to get the food ready before Kageyama would come home. He could already imagine his boyfriend's reaction: 'Hinata, dumbass, don't you know how to make anything else than noodles?' Kageyama was always the one making food, so Hinata wanted to help him for once. Both of them were university students, but Kageyama was also at a part-time work, so he usually came home late. Hinata was a bit lonely when Kageyama wasn't home, but the time spent with him was worth waiting. They had been living together for year and half now, dating almost three years. Their three-year-anniversary would be tomorrow.  
Hinata heard his phone ringing, so he switched the stove off and lifted the kettle away from it. He had to search for his phone for two minutes, but luckily the caller didn't hang up. The call was from Sugawara.  
"Hey, what's up?" Hinata asked, putting the call on speaker and continued mixing the noodles so they wouldn't stick together.  
"Hello, Hinata. Are you home?" Suga's voice was surprisingly quiet and careful.  
"Yea, why? Did something happen?" Hinata asked with concerned voice. "You seem upset."  
"Umh, well, we just got a call from Mrs. Kageyama", Sugawara muttered. "She said that Tobio got into an accident. It's not that serious, but he hit his head pretty badly and…" There was a moment of silence in the other end of the line. "I guess you should come here yourself."  
Hinata's heart had just stopped. He stared at the phone like it could talk, like it would explain what he just had heard. "What?" he whispered. "Tobio's…"  
"I said it isn't serious. He's physically okay", Suga reassured quickly. "But if you can, you should come here right away."  
"I'm on my way."

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

For all the way to the hospital Hinata's heart was pounding rapidly. He was scared. Sugawara's voice had been so different from usual, so worried and sorry. But Kageyama was okay, right? Suga had said that he was alright.  
Sugawara, Daichi and Asahi were waiting him at the hospital's entrance. "The rest of the team will be here shortly", Daichi said. "We just thought that you would want some time alone with him before that." Hinata nodded, too tense to speak, and his former teammates led him to the hospital room where Kageyama was. The raven-haired young man was awake, his parents by his side, and he seemed to be fine.  
"Mrs. and Mr. Kageyama, Hinata is here", Asahi said quietly at the doorstep.  
"Oh, we'll give you some time alone, then", Kageyama's mother said softly, standing up with his husband. They were surprisingly calm, but for some reason that didn't lessen the weight Hinata was feeling in his chest. He hurried to the bed side and grabbed Kageyama's hand.  
"Thank god you are okay, Tobio", he breathed out. "I almost got a heart attack when Suga called me."  
"Thanks, I guess." Kageyama's voice was confused and a little embarrassed. "But should I know you?"  
Hinata could feel his heart sink, and for a moment he just stared at Kageyama. "That isn't funny, you know", he huffed, his voice shaking slightly. "It's not right time to make stupid jokes."  
"I'm not joking", Kageyama stated. "I don't know you. Could you please introduce yourself before grabbing my hand like that?" He was annoyed. He really wasn't joking. The tears became to shape in the corners of Hinata's eyes, and he just sat there eyes wide open, not wanting to believe what he heard.  
"You don't remember? I'm Hinata, the one from your former volleyball team, the one who could hit your tosses. I'm your boyfriend, dumbass. We are dating, living together in an apartment few miles from here."  
"Dating? You are a guy." The utter disgust in Kageyama's voice made the remaining hope vanish from Hinata's mind. "You must be mistaken. There's no way I would date a boy. You must be talking about different person. Please go find the right one and leave me alone."  
"I'm not mistaken!" The volume of Hinata's voice increased rapidly along with his despair. "Don't you remember us? Suga-san and Daichi-san and everyone else? Please, Tobio, just try to remember! You hit your head, you must have lost some of your memories-"  
"You are being annoying", Kageyama cut him short. The words weren't the ones Hinata was used to hear, the little bit teasing and only half serious words. They were cold and disgusted, deadly serious words that broke Hinata's heart. "I wonder how my parents even let you in. Can you please leave? I'm done with hearing this shit. I do remember my senpais and teammates, of course I do. My memories are completely fine and I do not know you." When Hinata didn't move, he called out his parents. "Mom! Dad! Can you get this person out? He doesn't leave me alone." They didn't have to do that. Hinata stood up and turned around, wandering out of the room staring blankly ahead of himself. He didn't see around himself or hear anything. His thoughts were sticking together and making his mind go numb. He passed Sugawara and the other team members that had now arrived, not saying a word to them.  
"Hinata!" Sugawara called out and ran to him. "He really didn't remember?" Hinata couldn't take the aching feeling in his chest anymore and he broke into tears. Hopeless, hurt tears, that just didn't stop streaming.  
"No!" he cried. "He doesn't remember me, Suga-san! He remembers everything else but not me!"  
"Give him time", Sugawara suggested carefully. "He hit his head. I'm sure he recovers soon."  
"But he hates me", Hinata sobbed. "Is it even possible to forget just one person? Maybe he just wants to get rid of me. Maybe he just-"  
"Don't!" Suga aspirated and grabbed Hinata's shoulders. "Don't overthink it. I neither know how it is possible, but he has lost part of his memories. It hasn't anything to do with getting rid of you. Get yourself together, Hinata. We should just wait for doctor's diagnosis."  
Hinata looked at gray-haired man for a while, trying to stop the tears from flowing. "We have our anniversary tomorrow", he whispered heartbreakingly. "How am I supposed to wait?"  
Sugawara didn't know. He took the shorter young man in his embrace and stroked his hair gently. "You just have to be brave, Hinata. I know it's tough. I can't even imagine how you feel right now, but I want you to know that we are here for you. If there's anything you need, just tell." Hinata sobbed lightly, wrapping his hand around Sugawara. His warmth was comforting, but Hinata couldn't help thinking that he would rather be in Kageyama's arms.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

The house felt empty. Hinata was staring at the wall, not being able to sleep. Kageyama had been released from the hospital at the evening, since he didn't have any major injuries. Still, he wasn't here. He had gone to his parents. That hurt Hinata's heart, knowing that his boyfriend avoided him like this. He didn't want to wake up on their third anniversary without Kageyama by his side. They would have to face each other at school. They were at the same university as Sugawara, Tanaka and Nishinoya, so Hinata couldn't skip school without worrying them. He would have to just bear with it. Hinata missed the feeling of his arms around him, he missed the blue, calm look of his eyes so much. It was unnaturally quiet without his soft breathing. "He isn't dead, it will be okay", he whispered to himself and covered his face with his hands. "It will be okay." He wrapped his arms around his legs and pushed his face to his knees. The tears didn't come anymore, it felt like he had cried so much that he wasn't able to do that anymore. Hinata didn't know if he should have been grateful that Kageyama was physically okay, forget this grief and be happy for him. Maybe this was for the best. Kageyama would begin a new life with a cute girl, get a real family and make his parents proud. He would be an awesome father, caring for his children and making sure they were safe and followed their dreams. One of them would be interested of his volleyball career, and become a player themselves. Kageyama would be so proud of his child.  
Hinata tugged his fingernails in his palms and tried to stop thinking of that. He had thought of something like that before, but it was with his and Kageyama's adoption child. Hinata had always been sure that they would adopt a child when their studies were over and livelihoods stable, love that kid and raise them like their own. It had been a far dream for him, but now it was completely out of reach. If Kageyama wouldn't get his memories back, they wouldn't be a happy couple who raised an adoption child. They would be just strangers, with nothing but lost memories in common.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Hinata felt like he was dying when he tried to stay awake at school. Even when he tried to talk to Kageyama, the taller boy ignored him completely, didn't sit with him in class, didn't even talk to him. Even the pictures Hinata showed him of their volleyball career didn't help.  
"I don't know where you got those photos, but they must be fake", he had said. "You are pretty desperate. I do not know you, and you are being annoying. If you really care about me, just leave me alone."  
They were like complete strangers to each other, and that slowly drove Hinata crazy. He didn't concentrate in class, didn't talk with his friends or act like his usual self. Sugawara, Tanaka and Nishinoya gave him company, but even they didn't get a single smile out of Hinata. He had been at school without Kageyama before, but this was worse. Kageyama was there, but he acted like he wasn't. Hinata was a ghost for him.  
When Hinata got home, there was no one to wait for. He just collapsed to the couch and stared the wall. Kageyama wouldn't come home today. He had a day off from work, Hinata knew that, but he wouldn't come here. He wouldn't celebrate their third anniversary with Hinata. He didn't even know there was something like that to celebrate. Hinata had messaged him, sent photos of them together, tried to call him, but he didn't answer. The ennui was tearing him apart, and he could just wish that Kageyama would remember something tomorrow.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

The next day, however, was even worse. "Hinata, you look pale." Sugawara's voice was full of worry. "Did you eat properly? Did you get sleep?"  
No. That was an answer for both questions, but Hinata didn't say it out loud. He just hummed shortly without giving a proper answer.  
"You really should take care of yourself", Nishinoya sighed. "Otherwise we have to do that. Suga-san, do you have free time after school? I should go to my parents, but I can skip it if you can't."  
"You don't have to", Hinata murmured. "I'm fine."  
"No you're not", Sugawara huffed. "If we leave you like this, you'll get ill or even worse. Hinata, please, remember that you aren't alone."  
"But it feels like it." The smothered whisper didn't probably even reach Sugawara's ears, at least he didn't react in any way. Hinata knew he had his friends, but the home that used to be warm and cheerful place was now cold and quiet. He didn't want to go back there, but he didn't want to stay here.  
When he just thought things couldn't get worse, he spotted Kageyama among the students. He was with a girl. Pretty, brown-haired girl, who laughed with him with a smooth, girly giggle and reached up to smooch a kiss on Kageyama's cheek. Hinata felt sick. His stomach was turning and he felt like he wanted to throw up. It wasn't that he would have instantly hated that girl, but he was hurt to see Kageyama laughing with someone else. When Sugawara, Nishinoya and Tanaka noticed that Hinata's face had gone even paler and his eyes were wide open, they followed his gaze and flinched when they saw what he was staring at.  
"I think I'll go home", Hinata sounded and quickly turned around, not leaving any time for the others to answer or stop him. His steps were harsh and he was squeezing the books in his hands so hard that his fingers started to ache. He felt like crying again, shoulders shaking in time with silent sobs. The tears didn't fall. He had probably really used all his strength to cry already. Hinata couldn't erase the picture of the girl and Kageyama from his mind. Kageyama hadn't smiled like that for him in ages. _He was happy without Hinata._

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

The doorbell woke Hinata up. He had accidentally fallen asleep while cooking, and now the milk he had heated for a hot chocolate had boiled over the kettle's edges, and the whole stove was a huge mess. Hinata whimpered and turned the stove off, then hurrying to the door. Sugawara and Daichi were standing at the doorstep with two huge plastic bags in their hands.  
"Hi!" Daichi greeted cheerfully. "Is it okay if we come in?"  
"Ya", Hinata muttered, too flustered to say anything else. He stepped aside and left Daichi and Suga to the small hallway.  
"Is something burning?" Sugawara asked, sniffing the air with a confused look in his eyes.  
"I fell asleep and messed up a little", Hinata sighed and made the upperclassmen glaze each other in worry. "It's nothing for you to care about."  
"But of course it is", Daichi huffed. "You should go to sleep. We will get things ready."  
"You really shouldn't", Hinata opposed quietly, scratching his head. "I can clean and go to sleep then."  
"No no, you will go to rest right now", Sugawara insisted and pushed Hinata gently towards the living room. "Trust us. We want to help." Hinata was too tired to argue anymore, so he just sighed and wandered to the bedroom, feeling Suga's worried gaze at his back. The thoughts of Kageyama didn't haunt him that badly at days, but at nights it was unbearable. Maybe he could sleep now thanks to that. He collapsed in bed, too exhausted to change clothes. He would take just a nap anyway…  
Hinata didn't know when he fell asleep, but when he opened his eyes again, he didn't really feel better, a little less tired if anything. He picked up his phone and checked the clock. Three hours? The short nap had turned into a three-hour dreamless sleep. Hinata forced himself to get on his feet, and shambled to the kitchen. The stove was spotless, with two kettles on it. Had they made food for him? Hinata trudged to the living room and found Sugawara and Daichi watching TV together.  
"Oh, you woke up", Daichi noted when he noticed Hinata. "Good thing you slept this long. Are you hungry?" They sounded like his parents. Hinata knew that and felt a bit frustrated. He wasn't a kid that needed someone to take care of him. He wanted to say something, but at the same time he wanted to avoid arguing with his upperclassmen. They were just being friendly, helping him when he was lonely.  
"A little", he finally answered with a monotone voice.  
"There is food in kitchen", Sugawara said. "Eat well and come then here, so we can discuss about Kageyama."  
"No need to." Hinata's words left both of them baffled, staring at him with raised eyebrows. Hinata sighed.  
"I'll let it go. He's happy like this."  
"Hinata, you aren't being honest to yourself", Daichi noted carefully. "It's not the time to give up. It will become alright soon."  
"It doesn't need to", Hinata insisted. "He's happy. He doesn't need me anymore, and I'm fine with it. I'll get myself together now and leave him alone." His chest ached again. He was lying, he wasn't fine with this. He had given up in few days like a coward. But if it was to ensure Kageyama's happiness, it would be for the best.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Hinata became numb to the feeling of loneliness. He became numb to everything. All the days were the same, he didn't learn a thing at school, he couldn't sleep more than few hours. Still he didn't complain, he had made up his mind. Kageyama deserved to be loved by a pretty girl. If he didn't notice Hinata even from the records of their Karasuno plays, it would be the best like this. Hinata needed to stop feeling selfish and holding on to Kageyama. The days passed by, without a single hint of Kageyama's memories. Hinata stopped hoping for them to come back at some point, he didn't want to make thing difficult to Kageyama. He didn't want to hurt the girl, Hime, like that. Hime was a perfect company for Kageyama. Hinata didn't want Kageyama to break her heart.  
One day after another, he walked home alone and balanced on the edge of the bridge, feeling the wind refreshing his thoughts. He had got used to this, but he hadn't let go. He loved Kageyama, and that would never change. He just had to hide it from now on, just like he had done in their first year of high school. It wasn't that hard, he tried to convince himself of that.  
One step forward, two back. Hinata stared at his shoes and tried to keep his balance while slowly walking the edge of bridge backwards. He wouldn't mind if he fell, though.  
"Hinata!" The sudden voice spooked him and his foot slipped. Hinata gasped and tried to grab something, falling to the wrong side of the bridge. Just when he thought there was no hope and he'd fall to his death, the hand grabbed his arm. Hinata gripped the hand with his other hand and looked down. He didn't fall, he was hanging in air. The hand wasn't an illusion. Someone had caught him in time. Hinata turned his head up and suddenly he found it hard to breathe.  
"What the hell were you thinking, dumbass?" It was Kageyama. The taller boy pulled him up and they both fell to the ground, hands and legs shaking. Hinata couldn't believe it was really Kageyama. A while ago he had been sure that he wouldn't mind falling, but right now he was so glad he didn't. He could just stare at Kageyama and observe every single part of his face. It really was him. Kageyama stared back at him with an annoyed but scared frown on his face.  
"What. Were you. Thinking?" he dropped the words one by one, voice cracking in the end. "You could have died." Hinata still couldn't find anything to say.  
"As if you'd care anyway", he finally whispered, turning his head away. Suddenly he felt the arms wrap around him, and Kageyama pulled him against his chest.  
"I'm so sorry", he whispered. "I'm fine again. Asahi told me what happened. I'm so, so sorry."  
"Fine?" Hinata repeated. "You remember me?"  
"Of course, dumbass", Kageyama mumbled, tears rolling down his cheeks. "I got a ball to my head at practice. I guess that helped. Hime will understand, don't worry. Dear God, Hinata, don't ever scare me like that again. I love you and only you." Finally the tears that had stayed away for as long as Hinata could remember started to tingle in his eyes, and he pushed his face against Kageyama's shoulder.  
"You really remember", he cried. "You remember!" All the frustration he had felt came out with the tears, and the numb feeling left his heart. He was unbelievably grateful.  
"Yea", Kageyama hummed. "I remember." He was quiet for a moment. "Can you stand? We should go get some coffee and pastry."  
"Why so sudden?" Hinata asked, raising his head to meet Kageyama's eyes. "I just got you back, you know. I want to stay like this for a while."  
"We have an anniversary to celebrate, after all", Kageyama laughed. "Don't think I'll forget it anymore even that it was a while ago. We should get something special to get the lost time back."  
Hinata grinned a bit. "That's why I love you." Kageyama smiled and helped him to get up, and Hinata felt a warm feeling in his chest. He had missed that smile so much. The slightly unnatural and scary, but completely real and cheerful smile. He was happy. Kageyama was truly happy like this, with _Hinata_ by his side, and that would never change.


End file.
